Wednesday, April 15, 2015

emptiness

you weren't the first woman to break my heart,
with any luck you will be the last...
whether it's because I bump into that
special someone,
or I never bother with the idea again

sadness is normal,
so is loneliness,
I am both
and
I am not,
I am nothing,
I feel nothing...

only loss

I keep having dreams
where everything is normal,
we're laughing about something,
enjoying each other... happy,
when I wake up
I suffer the realization
that you're gone,
again
and
again

I saw you in the
nothingness of space,
radiant with glowing stardust,
you shined through signaling
to pull you in, burning in
the atmosphere you
crashed into me,
a tremendous impact,
leaving a crater which
will never be filled

I'm not sure what lies ahead of me,
it's too soon to tell how I'll feel,
but something tells me
I'll never fill that hole,
the desire just isn't there,
I'd rather be empty

love can be easy, it should be

this tightness in my chest,
I fucking hate this,
will it go away this time?
time,
it heals all they say,
I disagree... now,
but time will tell

I just don't get it,
meanwhile completely
understanding,
that's the part she never
understood

I DID know where
she was always coming from,
her anxieties and fears,
assuming they weren't
bullshit,
were completely understandable,
if we mess it up this time
it might be over
for good

I failed
to ease her of them,
she failed
to overcome them,
never believing
what I had to say,
too simple for
someone so
complicated...

convoluted

so in her fear of fucking up,
she fucked up,
the story is so obvious,
so cliche,
the questions; pointless

I think the biggest problem
was I actually had her in mind
when trying to help,
no hidden agenda,
just her well-being,
I guess when you're used to
everyone having a plan,
manipulating[even unintentionally]
my advice must have felt like
empty gestures

but with life being so hard,
already so difficult,
why are we complicating
the parts that should
be easy?

our love, if genuine,
was all we needed,
I expected nothing
outside of that

nothing extraordinary...
only trust and love

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

the end of us

you have betrayed me,
I'll leave the dagger
in my back as a
reminder,
a symbol for our
relationship,
I leave it there because
the wounds you left
will never heal anyway

maybe I don't want them to

this wasn't just a passerby,
stranger in the night,
it was a best friend, 
someone with whom
I shared a part of
my soul,
now I am left
incomplete
with a piece ripped
from my body,
a chunk of my mind
lost,
forgotten,
a phantom limb,
forgetting it's no longer
functional

it had to be cut loose...
there was a cancer spreading
so I reluctantly removed
what was killing me,
what was already dead

please understand this.
I found no joy in it...
I did not win...
 
the future seems bleak
without you, the past
always looking brighter,
at least the good times;
the laughs, the passion,
our long talks,
holding you in my arms,
your scent,
the energy we exchanged
and the warmth I felt in our
hearts

I'll always miss you
...my idea of you

my burdened woman
who is no longer a
burden to me

I like to think
that, maybe- with time,
we could try it again
when you are ready,
It hurts to remember
we can't...

never again...

we built our house
on a beach,
it was beautiful,
comforting,
until the storm rolled in
and we were washed away,
swallowed by the sea,
gone

we will be lost to each other,
letters in bottles are unlikely
to be found in vast oceans,
all will be written with
the same message-

luhv