Saturday, August 26, 2017

why do the smallest dogs have the loudest bark?

how is it?
we're all trapped in a funnel
in the undertow of your life
you're at the bottom pulling everyone down
to your tragic daily strife

there's no light
at the end of this tunnel
it's blotted out from your lies
you like it dark so it's harder to detect
the insecurities ya' try so hard to hide

like a vampire sucking us dry
the nature of how you survive
you say anxiety's the reason why
it activates when your ego's jeopardized, yeah

so you hate
and create a sob story for bait
to get the attention you crave
you rally banner men under your flag
allies for your pity crusade

well I reject and I distance
the only thing I can do
only way I can avoid
this poison- you flood into our veins,
I'm left with no choice
drain the blood or succumb to toxic influence
 
like a vampire sucking us dry
the nature of how you survive
you say anxiety's the reason why
it activates when your ego's jeopardized

well I reject and I distance
the only thing I can do
only way I can avoid
this poison- you flood into our veins,
I'm left with no choice
drain the blood or succumb to toxic influence

how is it?
we're all trapped in a funnel
in the undertow of your life

Sunday, July 30, 2017

stalemate

nothing to write about-
    or maybe too much
        redundancy day in-
                       day out

gray, grey, gone
     my skull is concrete
       filled, pain inducing
          forgetfulness

I retreat back for solace,
      struggling to turn a
             feeling into words,
           staining invisible pages

gave living another try
     but it ain't for everybody,
              I'll exist on a path
                           beside it

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

it comes and goes

so what if I've become lazy?
I'm just so tired of the fight
I've grown friendly with apathy;
a comfortable constancy,
and though I always gave it my all
some would say I give up too damn quickly
it's so easy to forget
the resistance that I met

can't say that I miss
juggling personalities
of how and who ya gotta be
and always knowing what to say
but I have nothing left
and I'm running out of distractions
to get me through the day
I'm sorry it turned this way

here I go again
making excuses for myself
of why things have to be this way
stacking stone on top of clay
so I apologize in advance
if I have my reservations
with years passed and nothing earned
just compliments after the burn
I can't go through it again

my dedication
wasn't enough
it took the patience of a saint
dealing with the stress building up

my bones were breaking from the dead weight
buried my crushed body under 6 feet of blame
HEY!

I lost my bout with failure
but I swear I took it ten rounds
felt the sting of shame
as my body hit the ground
now I hide in my little bunker
where I'm weathering the storm
I promise things'll get better
just leave me alone

all I really know
is the bitterness comes and goes
all I really know
is the anger comes and goes

here I go again
making excuses for myself
of why things have to be this way
stacking stone on top of clay
so I apologize in advance
if I have my reservations
with years passed and nothing earned
just compliments after the burn
here I go again
making excuses for myself
of why things have to be this way
stacking stone on top of clay
so I apologize in advance
if I have my reservations
with years passed and nothing earned
just compliments after the burn
I can't go through it again

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

one more memory (a poem for joe)

~I'll never forget our time spent at the Apothecary~

if only those walls could talk they’d tell
tales of the savage howls and roars
among ‘woo’ boys and girls alike
while the holy green tube was ritually passed
for downing bottles of suds because sometimes
speed has everything to do with it,
oooOOOo0o0o- it was always saturday night,
that energy, that vibe, the kind of IT
you could only get from that place,
our run-down palace where we claimed to be kings
while cheering over stolen pork, fruit and wine like bandits,
we were the merry-men robbing the rich
and we shared the love, a steady flow, high spirits
that could lift even the most dour
up on euphoric clouds fueled with blissful melodies
as the clan embraced each other and emptied their lungs,
yelling wildly, letting out the pent-up us,
this is a place to be yourself,
bring us your weirdos, freaks, and outcasts,
all rejects welcomed
‘cause we all needed somewhere to find refuge for
the self we discovered on our journeys to places
where rugs serve as rafts, walls can be walked on,
dandelion’s spin wildly, closets become normal hang-out spaces,
and drink from bottomless cans of arizona green tea,
the place was a funhouse and
each room an entrance to a new world,
no one there to stop us from going-going-gone
on whatever trail our minds decided to hike
creating thousands of memories along the way
infusing them into our souls,
spending whatever magic this place had to offer
until the wells were tapped dry,
whatever is born must always die,
even this fantastical place,
we’ll look back always wanting
one more memory,
but it’s time we said goodbye

who I am

you came to me,
confided in me,
you were suffering from ignorance,
an ailment I had the cure for,
I withheld it for people
who don't really care about me or you,
only about self-preservation,
over someone who has been
with me throughout my life

at the time, I convinced myself
I was doing the right thing,
as I looked directly into your eyes and lied,
I think we can all agree at this point,
what had happened was inconsequential
compared to steps taken keeping it from you,
I will always regret it,
no matter what fantasy I make up about myself,
the truth will always be-
I am a betrayer

Sunday, December 11, 2016

All These Scenes Are Pretentious

on your soapboxes pontificating
talking at each other without listening
picking out whatever suit fits the best
choose your stance
let the tailor figure out the rest

accusations leading to fights
arguing without any insight
two alike minds alone in a room
can't find compromise
looks like we're all doomed

if they could just agree none of this matters bu

the rhetoric passed through groups with
a million faces all warping their truths,
it's all just to feel right, it's all just to feel right
stepping on each other for a righteous high-ground
enjoying the view while looking down,
it's all just to feel right, it's all just to feel right

can't shake this feeling this all stems
from an inferiority complex
all this crying, the victimization
a sorry attempt at domination

majority rules, now you're the new lords
death to those find fault with your royal concord
spilling their blood, a demonstration of strength
another casualty on your path to omnipotence

if they could just agree none of this matters but

the rhetoric passed through groups with
a million faces all warping their truths
it's all just to feel right, it's all just to feel right
stepping on each other for a righteous high-ground
enjoying the view while looking down
it's all just to feel right, it's all just to feel right

well guess what?
they won!
while you were all at each others throats!
they won!
while climbing social ladders!
they won!
while silencing your neighbors!
they won!
and they'll win again and again and again
and they'll win again and again
and they'll win again and again and again
and they'll win again and again
so get used to losing

Thursday, December 8, 2016

ode to my punk rock queen

I've been told before life doesn't get easier,
couldn't understand and never bothered cracking the meaning,
the script continues, playing itself out
to late nights, drugs, booze and spilling soul
until it the haze and static clears and no one is left,
there's no scene to accompany my madness,
all things go the way of the wind
and we're left with nothing but the characters of ourselves,
where the most paper-thin parts of a personality
are louder than the noise we make,
discs forever locked within jeweled cases
forcing us to stare at the cover,
messages diluted in the stream of time
collected and bottled to be sold back to you
making any point you've ever made futile

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

hidden doorways and other worlds

rainbow walls, parallel on peripherals,
splitting the once whole into
a right and a left and between them
an infinite middle- it draws you in
crashing into the oncoming kaleidoscope,
spiraling through the opened door,
passages to other dimensions,
not linear but everywhere,
flat to protrusive pathways
blending with its surroundings

sit back and close two of your eyes,
drift and let go,
be lost,
understand that you don't understand

stop searching and allow yourself to be found by
incomprehensible beings conveying existence
through not any distinguishable language- but feeling,
open yourself up and hear their message;
everything is moving to a rhythm,
it's a beautiful dance
usually still for our own sake,
beneath our solid, concrete logic
reminding us to just be

Thursday, November 17, 2016

what are we if not habitual?

I can't help but to pull loose threads,
tugging away until
it all falls apart,
stripping to expose what's underneath,
the truth with nothing left to hide behind

I catch myself apologizing over feelings,
spitting them back into bottles
until they're long past expiration
where they become stale, flat and leave
a bitter taste

these thoughts will turn to madness
as paranoia grows like tumors in my brain,
pressure points exploding spilling blood
through eye sockets until all I see is red

Do we choose who we are or
has science determined that for us too?

Each time I see a path split into two-three-four
there is a compulsion to take the usual route,
I struggle but am still pulled breaking nails on ground
anything to resist going down same muddy roads,
same tired destinations

it feels good to let go, drift to your own will,
to jump in puddles and roll in the mud,
but it's messy, and no one wants you
tracking that shit in their home,
I tell myself that
next time I'll take the cleaner option

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty
but when was the last time they had an eye exam?
parts of the story is missed from fogged lenses,
the rest is haphazardly pieced together
creating whatever lullaby that helps them sleep tonight

i'm a five-star man

there was a time I thought bonds truly existed,
intangible tethers tying people together,
you could take that leap of faith trusting them to catch you if you fall,
but when you do ya hit the ground hard, no safety net to save you,
it might have taken some time and effort to construct,
why go through the trouble when you're not them?

it's like a blindfold slipped and I caught everyone laughing,
it was a big joke, a lie taken seriously,
there's a game being played on all levels,
we only interact when we're on the same step,
if you show a weakness, you lose,
and if you talk about the game at all,
you're expelled

you're only wanted until you're not needed anymore,
I know this because I lost that magnetic energy
that could pull you in from across the room,
I fell from grace
and no one batted an eye,
the polarity only reversed
as everyone was pushed away,
leaving no one with the grating torture of
focusing on something other than
themselves