Tuesday, July 29, 2014

gabbie

planning to drive with the
group to some North Carolina
beach/campground ensemble,
didn't have much money,
almost decided not to go
until she actually came,
eight blocks was too much for her,
I never thought in
a million years she'd come
all the way to DC

we are beginning to have
a long history, her and I,
full of classic tales
of happiness and heartache,
through all of this we still
manage to talk, to see each other,
I've hated her at times but
there's really no other woman
that makes me feel the way she does,
I bury a lot of feelings but those
involving her always come back,
not as a rotting carcass but
alive and well,
I welcome them

so I spent two full days
with her by my side,
my beautiful koala bear,
we spoke about how much
we missed each other,
then we showed it,
I couldn't have imagined
a better time without her,
though we'll see other people,
travel along our separate paths,
I'll never stop loving her,
and I can live happily
as long as I know
I have a place in her heart

he calls himself the tiger

and let me tell you, he has some balls, I'm not
talking about the balls of a brave man, I mean
the kind of balls it takes to have his level of
entitlement, to be so damn self-important

the wounded animal, thorn in his paw,
an angle he likes to play, any normal
human being doesn't stand a chance,
he chokes them with their own empathy

a clever disguise, camouflage for the tiger,
think someone is pathetic enough and you
won't see how terrible they are, how could
you think that about someone you pity?

you'll give him things, thinking of him even
before yourself, hoping you can fix what
tortures him, what brings him pain, it will
never be enough, he will never be grateful

if you stand in his way, even unintentionally,
he will not hesitate to strike, the tiger will see
to your demise if he finds your existence
bothersome, a cold-hearted killer

he doesn't care about your past, your future,
how you feel, what you care about, your
own sacrifices, your wishes, your dreams,
your relationships, your love, your hate

there is only the tiger, if he can't use you
then you're just in his way, his claws may not
be sharp but his words will pierce your skin,
and he won't care, he'll leave you to bleed

he calls himself the tiger, a peculiar name for
a snake, no, a snake implies a threat, I'd say
more like a worm, squishy and weak, he'll
fail trying to prove he his superior to you

take a shit and sell it for sixty bucks, they love it

I like playing games,
all types of games,
I'm always playing games,
especially in conversation,
but video games, well,
they have become rather stale,
I realized I've been playing
the same game,
like some kind of product
off an assembly line,
the factory-mentality to produce
the same, safe idea
for people who are okay
with being sold the same product
over and over,
no one is willing to take that risk
to make something spectacular,
GOTTA THINK OF THE MONEY!
as much as I blame them, I also
blame the drones who find nothing wrong
with playing the same games,
over and over,
who pick up the banners
for these companies,
misplaced loyalty, fanboy-ism,
casual nerd culture,
so now I'm stuck
buying and playing the same game,
over and over,
the same,
there's only so many times
before I have to give up
on that medium altogether,
pop-culture steals yet
another piece of me,
I'm forced to retreat,
once again, to something new,
playing the same game,
how long will it be before
they find me this time?

mañana, I'll go...

reading about Jack's
adventures in California
makes me feel like shit,
here I am, sitting alone
on this fucking futon
while Sal Paradise is banging
(what I'd like to believe)
a foxy mexican chick,
working the fields,
drinking everynight,
three-thousand miles
away from home,
What I wouldn't give to
be able to just walk up
to the closest road with
traffic, stick out my thumb
and head west

The world has changed
since this was written,
it's uglier now, suspicious,
It's almost hilarious
thinking of a person passing
me by because they think
I'd carjack or kill them,
lil' ol' me,
if they only knew,
yeah the world has
certainly changed,
we're brought up now to
despise each other,
even if they didn't suspect
me capable of murder or theft,
they would pass me by out of
fear of a conversation,
though who even has time
these days to waste a second
to stop for a complete stranger?

you really can't just
get up and go like
Jack did in the book,
hell, maybe I tell myself that
because I'm too scared to do it

recurrence

left alone
to face myself tonight,
to reflect once again
on my past,
what have I done?
so much time spent
at bars, wasted on people
who never gave a shit,
it went on too long,
years with absolutely
nothing gained, I regret
every last minute

I guess the difference
with me and most people is
I was fortunate enough
to figure this out
before it was too late,
before I spent a life
in the confusion most
of us are stuck in,
pulled myself out of the
ignorant rut, now I have
peace of mind- sort of

it's hard though,
to really shake everything,
pieces of the past linger
and haunt me, dictating
my actions, my bullheadedness,
feelings of worthlessness,
my paranoia, sometimes
I still feel like
that same old guy
I tried to leave behind,
the one in the group
who feels out of place,
the difference now?
I'm aware of it