Saturday, October 4, 2014

whatever she was has left some time ago

way past her prime,
still doin' that bar scene

she's got a cub at home
as she prowls for new lion to tame,
distract that messed up brain,
don't let it think about that last one
who chased ya out of the den

he was a bastard anyway, right?

ignore what happened and
keep sportin' out-of-whack theories
about who was right

I'm sure it was most definitely
you

head to that dive,
that ol' stomping ground
for the sad and lonely
where all husks of what
was once man gather

past her prime
she's still got the [charm],
whatever it is to make these
sad fucks actually listen to her
goin' on 'bout this-n-that
nonsense talk flying in one
ear out the other hoping
for that slim chance to
get into her pants,
a brief sensation
of feeling alive

it's shallow,
it's nothing,
she has become
nothing and shallow,
anything that was once her
had long since passed,
she is fractured,
the soul had seeped
through the cracks
to escape her reality,
left now only a shell,
she stares at the mirror
admiring her looks,
no reflection is cast

Saturday, September 27, 2014

unpleasant encounters

there is a bug on my window,
I've never seen one like this,
it is disgusting,
as I get closer to study it
behind the safety of the screen,
I become even more repulsed by it
making sure to let it know how I feel,
here I am talking to a bug on my window
ridiculing it for being unpleasant to look at,
poor guy was just probably moving along
not looking to harm anyone,
though you can never tell with insects,
it could have had murderous intentions,
I stare at it making a face,
the face feels familiar,
I can't see it but I know it,
the same face these bastards
give me as I walk down the street,
this is how they see me,
thinking all the same thoughts,
feeling the same disgust,
I'm the bug infesting their world!
they would squish me if they could!
I look back toward the window
and it was gone, bound to cross paths
with another who will most likely
kill it instead of speaking to it

ordinary

daydreaming,
thinking about
my place in the world,
I wonder if I have one
or if it is just so miniscule
it's over-looked,
can't tell if it's
ego or passion that
drives me to do things
but I do them anyhow

sun says farewell as I
sit here writing this,
the room becomes a
reflection of  myself
as I can't help but to
come to conclusions,
I'm a man lacking
any real talent,
thirty years gone,
plateau'd at mediocrity,
growth stunted with
no one to blame

Saturday, September 20, 2014

see no evil, hear no evil, and certainly speak no evil

disagree,
the talk turns hateful,
insult all other thinking,
protect box at all costs

ATTACK! ATTACK!
 if the wall falls
all hope is lost!
keep back! I reject you!
my life isn't a lie!
all that was done cannot
be undone- cannot be wrong!

be ready for dismissal in:

3...2...1...

rebooting....
........
....
..
beep

all systems back online

keep working, keep driving,
keep buying, keep breeding,
keep dying, keep killing,
keep snitching, keep paving,
keep chopping, keep building,
keep ignoring, keep slaving,
don't slow production,
don't change for anything,
keep trying to fix that
which cannot be fixed

don't you see?!
it was made to be broken!
that is the trick,
bred to believe
insanity is normal,
worship killers as heroes
judge liberators as evil,
all is okay if it is
according to plan,
genocide is fine
but the murder of one
is too much to bear,
a sickness is spreading
an epidemic of sorts,
stockholm syndrome,
everyone seems
to have it these days

some people just cant take hearing
what might actually be out there,
the world not being round
but in the shape of a square,
pulling the veil from their eyes
causes disdain and hatred,
run back to yer rabbit holes,
you'll be safe there

Sunday, September 14, 2014

understanding people

you can judge,
I encourage it,
basic human instinct
relentlessly attacked,
I say more power to you,
but if you're going to openly
make a judgment on someone
you better fucking learn
how to properly go about it

people are not that hard to figure out,
they follow a narrative, a character,
shopping for their personalities,
adhering to the genre they chose
wearing their personalities for all to see
with absolutely nothing underneath
taking a dive in the kiddie pool
drowning in it, categorizing themselves,
the need to assimilate with
no depth, no thought outside the parameter,
honestly, they make it easy

first and foremost,
the most important,
if making an assessment
on a personality,
you should start with your own,
be honest with yourself,
you can't see through someone else
while your mind whispers lies,
learn who you are,
accept it no matter
how ugly it may be,
maybe then can you see
someone's "true self"

and finally understand a story

Monday, August 4, 2014

play them like a fiddle

here's the plan,
we fear crazy,
warp the
perception of crazy,
make something weird,
then we fear
a person
who is doing
that
weird thing
because
he must
not know
this is
weird,
therefore,
he
must
be
crazy
and
crazy
people
are
to
be
feared

to be intelligent

I don't understand the whole
you are or you aren't,
bit of a generalization,
way too much gray zone
for the human mind which
contains entire universes
constantly big-banging their
way around the skull creating
new galaxies of thought
and infinite imagination

what is it?
why must it be gauged?
how could you even?
do we base it on
general knowledge?
grammar? tehcno-literacy?
a certificate? the ability
to conceive a deep thought?
to be literal? to communicate?
vocabulary? to be in touch
with your instincts?
primal-self? body? nature?
memory? understanding of
science? mathematics?
physics? human behavior?
sit, lay, roll over?

why does everyone worry about
coming off as intelligent?
have they ever thought about it?

wiki-that-fact, repeat,
pre-frabricated arguments,
throwing [this line] or
who said what from something,
talking the loudest offering
their opinion never looking back

I guess that is intelligence,
the ability to recite,
I believe that is what
we are all agreeing on

I'm okay with being stupid

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

gabbie

planning to drive with the
group to some North Carolina
beach/campground ensemble,
didn't have much money,
almost decided not to go
until she actually came,
eight blocks was too much for her,
I never thought in
a million years she'd come
all the way to DC

we are beginning to have
a long history, her and I,
full of classic tales
of happiness and heartache,
through all of this we still
manage to talk, to see each other,
I've hated her at times but
there's really no other woman
that makes me feel the way she does,
I bury a lot of feelings but those
involving her always come back,
not as a rotting carcass but
alive and well,
I welcome them

so I spent two full days
with her by my side,
my beautiful koala bear,
we spoke about how much
we missed each other,
then we showed it,
I couldn't have imagined
a better time without her,
though we'll see other people,
travel along our separate paths,
I'll never stop loving her,
and I can live happily
as long as I know
I have a place in her heart

he calls himself the tiger

and let me tell you, he has some balls, I'm not
talking about the balls of a brave man, I mean
the kind of balls it takes to have his level of
entitlement, to be so damn self-important

the wounded animal, thorn in his paw,
an angle he likes to play, any normal
human being doesn't stand a chance,
he chokes them with their own empathy

a clever disguise, camouflage for the tiger,
think someone is pathetic enough and you
won't see how terrible they are, how could
you think that about someone you pity?

you'll give him things, thinking of him even
before yourself, hoping you can fix what
tortures him, what brings him pain, it will
never be enough, he will never be grateful

if you stand in his way, even unintentionally,
he will not hesitate to strike, the tiger will see
to your demise if he finds your existence
bothersome, a cold-hearted killer

he doesn't care about your past, your future,
how you feel, what you care about, your
own sacrifices, your wishes, your dreams,
your relationships, your love, your hate

there is only the tiger, if he can't use you
then you're just in his way, his claws may not
be sharp but his words will pierce your skin,
and he won't care, he'll leave you to bleed

he calls himself the tiger, a peculiar name for
a snake, no, a snake implies a threat, I'd say
more like a worm, squishy and weak, he'll
fail trying to prove he his superior to you

take a shit and sell it for sixty bucks, they love it

I like playing games,
all types of games,
I'm always playing games,
especially in conversation,
but video games, well,
they have become rather stale,
I realized I've been playing
the same game,
like some kind of product
off an assembly line,
the factory-mentality to produce
the same, safe idea
for people who are okay
with being sold the same product
over and over,
no one is willing to take that risk
to make something spectacular,
GOTTA THINK OF THE MONEY!
as much as I blame them, I also
blame the drones who find nothing wrong
with playing the same games,
over and over,
who pick up the banners
for these companies,
misplaced loyalty, fanboy-ism,
casual nerd culture,
so now I'm stuck
buying and playing the same game,
over and over,
the same,
there's only so many times
before I have to give up
on that medium altogether,
pop-culture steals yet
another piece of me,
I'm forced to retreat,
once again, to something new,
playing the same game,
how long will it be before
they find me this time?

mañana, I'll go...

reading about Jack's
adventures in California
makes me feel like shit,
here I am, sitting alone
on this fucking futon
while Sal Paradise is banging
(what I'd like to believe)
a foxy mexican chick,
working the fields,
drinking everynight,
three-thousand miles
away from home,
What I wouldn't give to
be able to just walk up
to the closest road with
traffic, stick out my thumb
and head west

The world has changed
since this was written,
it's uglier now, suspicious,
It's almost hilarious
thinking of a person passing
me by because they think
I'd carjack or kill them,
lil' ol' me,
if they only knew,
yeah the world has
certainly changed,
we're brought up now to
despise each other,
even if they didn't suspect
me capable of murder or theft,
they would pass me by out of
fear of a conversation,
though who even has time
these days to waste a second
to stop for a complete stranger?

you really can't just
get up and go like
Jack did in the book,
hell, maybe I tell myself that
because I'm too scared to do it

recurrence

left alone
to face myself tonight,
to reflect once again
on my past,
what have I done?
so much time spent
at bars, wasted on people
who never gave a shit,
it went on too long,
years with absolutely
nothing gained, I regret
every last minute

I guess the difference
with me and most people is
I was fortunate enough
to figure this out
before it was too late,
before I spent a life
in the confusion most
of us are stuck in,
pulled myself out of the
ignorant rut, now I have
peace of mind- sort of

it's hard though,
to really shake everything,
pieces of the past linger
and haunt me, dictating
my actions, my bullheadedness,
feelings of worthlessness,
my paranoia, sometimes
I still feel like
that same old guy
I tried to leave behind,
the one in the group
who feels out of place,
the difference now?
I'm aware of it

Sunday, June 29, 2014

polly want a cracker?

recognize that
a lot of people
just repeat things
without ever
understanding
what they are
saying,
no different
than parrots
mimicking
what they've heard,
they regurgitate
the nonsense and rhetoric
and that idea
becomes a rule
and guideline
for people
to live by
because it's something
that was always said
even if it was said
without thought,
but now it's all
we know

Friday, May 2, 2014

people talking about things they don't understand.

Oh my god, why'd she do it?
                       I would never
                            leave two kids behind
          it's selfish
people today,
      they can't handle anything
                unable to sustain any levels of stress 
one thing doesn't go their way
       and that's it for them
                             there's so many drugs
                                   you can take for that
                   LEGAL ONES!
some people's brain chemistry
                           is all loused up
                    she should have sought help
   yeah you're right, she should have,
           instead of taking the easy way out

Monday, April 28, 2014

have we met before? probably not.

I had that dream again,
you know, the one where
your teeth fall out?
they say that dream means
you're lacking in confidence
about something in your life,
"what are you not feeling
confident about?", she asked,
honey, if I answer that
we'd be here all night

I want to cry, I can't,
instead my chest tightens up
and all I can do is hope that
somehow I can be put out of my misery,
I see no future for myself,
how could there be?
who would put up with this?
I'm defective,
the McKnight model seems to have
a major malfunction,
god oughta recall it
back to the factory

I am isolated from humanity,
disconnected, not by choice,
the only thing I can do is mask it,
put up the facade,
make people laugh,
YES!
if they're laughing maybe
they won't be able to tell
how strange I am, different,
that I don't even know how
to hold a conversation,
yeah this is good,
I'll just create
a character for myself,
this way I don't risk
anyone actually getting to
know me

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

you're living for one reason

"I had a few days off and just didn't
know what to do with myself!
I couldn't wait to go back to work!"
have you tried living?
I heard it can be a blast

you call me a loser for not having a job,
I take it as a compliment,
you can have that opinion,
even if it is planted by someone else,
just regurgitate that idea
from one mouth to the next
until your taste buds are numb
from the gross toxic shit
you've been spewing

this is reality,
what is?
this

I don't think you're groveling enough
for that paycheck,
I'm paying good money here!
how dare you not suck me off
and make sure you get that tongue
nice and deep into the asshole

is a whore someone who
is paid for sex specifically
or someone who just does something
degrading for a sum of money?

money money money moooooooonayy
MONAYYYYYYY!

Forgive me,
I shall not speak your name in vain

I will make it my life's purpose
to obtain as much of you as I can,
bless me with your presence,
grant me the power to
buy things that are unnecessary,
provide onto me food that
ninety percent of the ingredients are chemicals,
my body is only mortal,
your legend is eternal,
there is no other way of life other than
bowing in worship to you
for you choose who is worthy,
banish infidels with drone missiles
or to a life of making
garments for your loyal followers,
they are not worthy of our
sodium fluoride drink,
tear down forests,
we demand production,
with every tree that is crushed
your lord becomes more powerful,
there is no room for nature in our world,
praise our lord or be thy enemy,
swear onto money that
you will murder in its name,
that you will cheat, steal, and lie,
you will blanket yourself in greed,
for only the greedy shall be blessed,
do not love each other,
only love money,
there is only money,
money is all you can trust,
make dollars not sense,
free your mind of any other thoughts,
your mate shall be chosen for you,
reproduce in the name of money,
money requires your offering,
be resourceful for money,
do not worship any false money,
put money before everything else,
free yourself from your heart and soul
and you shall not be forsaken

does this please you? am I still a loser?
your guidelines on how to live,
the subconscious mutters these thoughts,
taught from birth and practiced throughout life,
I choose not to listen

friends shaking hands sayin', "how do ya do?"

is this really happening?
the essence of what ran through my mind
as her spit-soaked hand was rubbing my cock,
it felt weird...emotionally,
something we could both agree on
as we stopped to laugh
at the situation we put ourselves in,
can't speak for her but
it wasn't a negative feeling,
maybe just too much too soon,
she is incredibly sexy,
something I always thought anyway,
but seeing her BE sexy was
something I couldn't wrap my head around,
we've been friends for a long time,
up until now I never thought anything
like this was even a possibility,
when did it start brewing?
needless to say I had placed myself
under copious amounts of pressure,
I was short of breath, paralyzed,
cautious as if it was my first time,
nervous as hell, uncomfortable,
my imagination was running wild
and don't even get me started
on the insecurities

I wonder what she was thinking,
if she noticed how tense I was,
she's not the type to talk about things
so I thought it was best not to even
comment on what just happened,
I doubt I ever will,
though the experience was overwhelmingly strange,
I didn't want her to stop,
her hand felt better than most pussies,
maybe because I wanted it more this time,
if only I could have calmed down,
I wonder if I was at fault,
did I make it weird(er)?
if the vibes I was giving off were anything
like what was going on inside my head,
then it's very likely,
I guess I shouldn't worry about it,
next time I'll be better prepared,
if there is a next time

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

literary soldier

standing in front of the audience,
exposed, vulnerable,
with the exception of a chest pounding bear
and a microphone, he is alone,
people watching, people judging,
he doesn't let it get to him,
how does he do it?
how is he not fumbling every word?
losing his place? buckling under pressure?
he stands confidently next to the bear,
his heart spilling from his mouth,
maybe I'm imagining it,
that bear,
maybe it's just a reflection of himself,
the courage it takes to do what he's doing,
I wonder if anyone else sees it

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

and so on and so on...

my health is failing me,
no cure,
not here anyway,
stick me in my cryogenic chamber,
let me rest there for awhile,
until I recover

DING!
wake up!

treatment is over,
fixed up, feeling better,
renewed,
go on about my day-
for a short while,
until the inevitable comes
once again, showing symptoms,
trapped in an endless cycle,
which seems to occur more frequently,
time is running short,
please! I must get back!
I know it isn't a solution,
but it's all I've got

futon sanctuary

solitude,
wonderful loneliness,
laying comfortably in her arms,
the troubles of the world
no longer matter,
the struggle,
the disappointment,
the criticisms,
the pain,
in the futon's embrace
none of these can find me,
my own little hiding place
from everything,
my getaway,
on it I traverse the universe,
places ordinary minds can never see,
an escape from reality,
the only cost is my time,
no pressure here,
no chance of failing
or succeeding

Sunday, March 2, 2014

postponed

I feel constipated,
everything on hold
waiting for that damn lease to expire,
ANOTHER MONTH?!
damn you,
you cold-hearted bitch
sorry,
it's not your fault
but I have to take it
out on someone

so now we look to June,
for good times,
drugs and wine,
working on our dream,
a japanese beauty,
music with Ms Noir,
end the tyranny of Cap'n Claire
and her first mate Pegleg -still think you're beautiful-
replace their silence with laughter,
save a friend,
be saved by a friend,
so we may both regain our
sanity

postponed,
stuck in this rut,
waiting...
waiting...
waiting...
on a futon prison,
for my parole

Saturday, March 1, 2014

she mei never know

you looked really cute that morning,
I never noticed the freckles across your nose,
let's just say my heart was melting,
as we kissed each other goodbye,
all I could think about was how
I didn't want to leave-
you standing there alone in the hotel room,
watching as I walk out the door with your smile,
I take it with me,
a memory for my dreams,
I'll need it because who knows when I'll see you next,
god damn it,
I could have stayed in bed with you the rest of the day
but the meter maids were salivating over my car
just waiting for the clock to hit 8:00am,
you were exhausted anyway,
my constant fidgeting kept you up all night,
sorry about that,
I guess I was too excited to sleep,
wound up,
could have been from half the jug of port,
but let's not kid ourselves,
it was you

 the lovely aura you emanate

its draws me in,
I have no hope of resisting
-not that I'd want to-
I was way happier to be there with you
in my arms than I had let on,
something tells me you knew that though,
I haven't seen you in months
and this might be strange
but I felt almost....honored?
you mentioned that men tend to like you
a lot more than you like them,
Trust me, I believe you...
you have this thing,
the kind of thing that makes
a man want to write a poem,
maybe a better poet than me was
able to explain it with more coherency,
but whatever it is,
you have it

I'd love to tell you how I feel,
but we both know you need to fly,
and I can't ignore the alarms going off in my head,
RETREAT! Why?
because as infatuated with you as I'm appearing,
you also terrify me,
and the words you speak are frightening,
I can see you using my heart
as a punching bag if we ever worked out
and I'm not sure it can take another beating,
so I'll just stick to writing poems
and go on pretending like everything is (normal)
until I move closer anyway,
Yeah, I'll go on,
like you're unimportant to me,
because I have to,
because it would be weird not to...
right?



Sunday, February 23, 2014

carpinteria

take a dip in the Pacific with me,
it's still a little cold in may but
we didn't mind,
it was our goal,
our reward,
-I'm not complaining-
it was beautiful
standing on that beach,
sand dollars and "jade stones" at our feet,
like excited children
the three of us stripped to our boxers -nohomo-
and dove head first into the first wave that hit us,
we made it, we did it,
took three cars and a toot but here we are,
get some fine mexican dinner,
beers,
camp out with the raccOONs by the beach
and let the waves put ya to sleep,
if im not mistaken
we set up two tents just to cram into one

sun up, beautiful morning,
the 5 of us sat there on the beach,
feet buried in the sand,
beautiful women jogging by,
Tom and I look at each other,
we smile as we feel
accomplished with tecate in hand,
eating canned pineapples,
watching and laughing as
the squatch chases toot into the ocean,
EHHHHHHHH!!!!
my god jews run funny,
it's starting to get late in the morning but
we can't leave without those mexican beauties
cooking us some breakfast quesadillas,
this isn't gabow's style,
he'd rather run on the beach
god bless him,
but the toot tried to weigh us down,
no time for his shenanigans,
we took off very slowly
and easily caught if one so inclined to,
too difficult,
roll over and wait 'til we return,
after a conversation with a cat,
the joe sandwich heads back to camp,
time to pack up and go,
but before you leave,
take one last look at paradise,
let it sink in-

-they never even used those god damn typewriters



Wednesday, January 15, 2014

inspiration

it's a hell of a thing-
when it strikes,
like a bolt of lightning,
it jolts life back into this body,
into my mind,
suddenly I have hands incapable of keeping up
with racing thoughts,
where did this sudden urge come from?
days, weeks, months,
spent staring at a ceiling
curled up on this old futon
with no will to even try,
dams erected,
rivers ran dry,
creation had come to a halt,
solitude, although an attractive thought,
only helped build the blockade
to stop the flow,
it can be hard at times,
but I have to stop walling myself off
from the world,
my friends,
the ones who truly inspire me


Monday, January 13, 2014

debbie downer

You steal a bit of my soul
whenever I come around,
if by the off chance I'm feeling high,
you bring me down,
I raise my sails,
and you stop the wind,
I cant breathe this
stagnant air of nothingness anymore,
your negativity is contagious,
infectious,
and I have a weak immune system,
why do I even stop by?
obligation? guilt? love?
can't say for sure
but I can't think straight with this headache,
pulsing and throbbing,
get out,
stop,
run away,
I'm sorry if I've been distant lately,
I do love you,
but you're literally
killing me

routines

work, eat, sleep
rinse and repeat
loneliness taking its toll
but who has time to notice
to do anything about it?
no time to broaden horizons
ask a machine to find people exactly like me
it saves time rather than to get to know them
through good ol' fashioned conversation

in a car ride I see this
a sad sight, too young to be this old,
explaining to me her vast emptiness unintentionally
through broken english and body language
sorrow swept over my heart
as I looked into her eyes
they were crying for help,
unknowingly asking me to
save her